Brace Man

Scene: the Japan Air departure lounge, San Francisco International Airport
Characters:
HIRO: middle aged man, slightly dumpy, in neck brace that immobilizes his neck and torso. He wears a tan shirt, blue jean overalls, tan work boots, and holds a cane. He's Filipino.
GLENNA: middle aged woman, blonde hair going gray, blue jeans, western boots, blue shirt under a denim jacket. Heavy set; one might think she could be pregnant if not for her age. She carries a "Hello Kitty" handbag. A brown backpack rests at her feet. A fancy
neckbrace--shiny and obviously new--rests on the backpack.


HIRO: How long did you say the flight is going to be?
GLENNA: About nine hours. That's not too long.
HIRO: Nine hours! I'm supposed to sit bolt upright for nine hours!
GLENNA: Well, you'll be able to stand up and walk around--
HIRO: Not likely! They'll have the aisles filled with carts all the time, serving things, and people will be going to the johns.
GLENNA: It's been a long time since you've flown, hasn't it? They don't serve hardly anything these days. We'll be lucky to get a snack or two--
HIRO: A snack or two? In nine hours? What, do they want to starve us to death?
GLENNA: You see all the people with sacks from the food court?
HIRO: You'd think it'd be more trouble to haul the dead people out than to give us a meal or two. Even though the meals were always pretty awful.
GLENNA: Now hush up. I packed a couple of sandwiches, and some oranges.
HIRO: I shouldn't eat anything anyway. The thought of having to use those cramped bathrooms--you did say nine hours?
GLENNA: Yes, dear, only nine.
HIRO: Only nine? How could it be any worse?
GLENNA: Well, if we hadn't found that specialist in the Ginza, we'd have had to go to Cape Town. That's twenty-seven hours -- from Atlanta --
HIRO. Oy!
GLENNA: So don't complain?
HIRO: You think this guy in Ginza can really help?
GLENNA: It's a woman in Ginza. And Dr. Davis spoke very highly of her.
HIRO: Dr. Davis! Charlatan! Fat lot of good he's been --
GLENNA: Well, it's a specialized problem, dear. Not many doctors even know about it. We were very lucky that Dr. Davis figured out what it was, even if it took him six months. And that he knew how to find a specialist at all.
HIRO: OK. Ok. (rubs neck) This thing is starting to chafe. Did you bring a backup brace?
GLENNA: Of course. What do you think that is on top of my backpack?
HIRO: Don't know. Can't look down. You know that!
GLENNA: Well it's your new spare. And it's a brand new model. I can't wait to see how you look in it.
HIRO: A new model? What's wrong with the old one? And who cares what it looks like as long as it does the job?
GLENNA: I care! You'll look hot in it, I hope. God knows you don't in that old one. You look like a fat frog. A fat immobilized frog.
HIRO: Well, I'm supposed to be immobilized. That's the point, isn't it?
GLENNA: Of course. I'd just like you to look as good as you can while you're immobilized.
HIRO: I don't much care how I look. I just want to get some answers to this thing.
GLENNA: That's why I hope this woman in Ginza can help.
HIRO: What's her name again?
GLENNA: She's called Yamaroda. Only specialist in incipient cranial implosion between Mumbai and Cape Town, Dr. Davis said.
HIRO: Well, I hope she can do something. Otherwise all this travel will be for nothing.
GLENNA: I'm sure she'll be worth it, dear. And besides, you're getting a new, chic, brace out of it.
HIRO: Yeah, right! What a thrill!
GLENNA: I certainly hope so! It's been a long time since I got a thrill, looking at you--
HIRO: Sorry! It's not been too thrilling being me, as far as that goes -- and why in hell would a new brace make me thrilling?
GLENNA: Well, it's the new Sussex model. Everybody on the neck brace fetish web site says it's the hottest new model since the Kensington in 2001.
HIRO: Neck brace fetishists! Those freaks! Can there be anything worse then geeks getting off on seeing people held immobile by neck braces? I don't know how you can look at that site. That one time you showed it to me was enough for me. Creeps me out. And especially those "Neck Brace Fetishist of the Week" photos.
GLENNA: It is pretty creepy. But it passes the time. And it helps to think some people find this all sexy, even if some of them are really sick.
HIRO: I'm not sure I'm ready to become a sex object at this point in my life. I'm not really comfortable at being idolized by people who find a fat, middleaged, frog-like Filipino in a neck brace sexy. That's really creepy. Or at least they're really, really creepy, And if the creeps find me sexy, what does that make me.
GLENNA: A sex object for creeps. And for me. Doesn't that work? Since most of the creeps are guys any way, they're not interested in you in the first place.
HIRO: Unless they're gay neck brace fetish creeps! That's all I need--to have a bunch of fag fetishists lusting after me!
GLENNA: Well, you'll soon know. I sent your photo in this morning as an entry for "sexy NBF of the week!" They'll post it, and people get to vote. The site says there are more than 5 million people worldwide.
HIRO: You sent in my photo!!??!! Without asking me? When did you get a photo? Why didn't you ask me I wanted five million people worldwide looking at me like this?
GLENNA: Relax. I took the photo yesterday, when you were dozing. And I used a fake name, and an email address I just created on yahoo. So nobody will be able to track you down, if they find you really hot. We can check the voting later -- and see if you've got any fan mail.
HIRO: This is really, really sick. I still can't get over the fact that you did all that without asking me!
GLENNA: Why would you care, anyway? What's it matter if a few neck brace freaks get a thrill? It's not as if you were going to get any rewards for this--
HIRO: I don't want to give a thrill to anybody I don't know. Come to think of it, there's not too many people I do know that I'd want to give a thrill to either, for that matter.
GLENNA: Well, let's check out your competition. [Pulls out a laptop] Good thing the airport has wifi -- we can check now. [sounds of laptop booting up] See? Here's the current sexy neck brace. She's a blonde from Encino [holds lap top up so he can see]
HIRO: God, she looks uncomfortable! And people find this sexy?
GLENNA: They must. Why else would people strap themselves into these things?
HIRO: Because they're injured? Like I am?
GLENNA: No -- if you read the entries, most of these people are recreational neck bracers. They do it for the fun of it.
HIRO: Recreational! For the fun of it! They're even sicker than I thought they were!
GLENNA: Oh, look. Here's your competition: Two blondes, a brunette, a redhead, and, look, an African girl in a full body brace. Look how the white metal stands out!
HIRO: She's naked!
GLENNA: Yeah, many of them are. Oh, my god! You're winning the vote!
HIRO: What!??!!
GLENNA: Yeah -- look -- you've got 40% of the vote, the African has 22, the blonde from Poland has 16, the redhead from Ireland 10%, the rest peanuts -- Oh!
HIRO: What???
GLENNA: Just look at these comments! "What a great change, to see a sexy mature man!" "Wow! Just hold him still for me!" "Hot Asian dude -- awesome!" "Really cool sexy old guy"
HIRO: Sickos, all of them!
GLENNA: Says here three million people have voted. [pushes button] Make that three million and one! [she types]
HIRO: What are you doing?
GLENNA: Adding a comment. [reads: "He's hot! And he's mine!"] There!
HIRO: Did you actually say that?
GLENNA: Yeah -- and sent it too. Look. There it is -- [looks at screen] Oops!
HIRO: Oops? Why "Oops"?
GLENNA: I forgot to use the fake address. It's got my usual screen name and my real email.
HIRO: Shit! Does that mean people can find you? And me?
GLENNA: 'Fraid so. What's 40% of three million?
HIRO: You mean one million, two hundred thousand people might be after me?
GLENNA: Only if they really find you hot. [his phone starts ringing; he
answers it]
HIRO: Hello? Who? What? Yeah, I wear a brace-- What? What did you say? Go to hell, freak! [throws phone across the room. It starts ringing as he throws]
GLENNA: Looks like you've been found. [She retrieves phone. Answers it.] Hello? What? No, I'm his . . . what? You'll pay how much? For what? Listen, I'll get back to you. Yeah, I've got your number. [Hangs up. Phone immediately rings. Answers] Hello? No, I'm . . .
how much? When? Listen, I'll get back to you. [hangs up, phone rings immediately; she puts it on silencer.] We've got an opportunity here. These people will pay big money just to see you.
HIRO: Just to see me? But several million people can see me on line for free.
GLENNA: They want to see you in person. And some of them want . . . other things.
HIRO: Other things? Like what?
GLENNA: Well, sexual things--
HIRO: Not a chance! What, they want to watch a guy in a neck brace beat off?
GLENNA: The first one did. The second wanted to watch you get a blow job.
HIRO: Fag freaks! God damn homos!
GLENNA: She said he was a Southern Baptist preacher. Something about the wages of sin.
HIRO: Same thing. Preacher fag freaks! Like that guy from Colorado. Even worse!
GLENNA: Still, if there are people willing to pay . . .
HIRO: Yeah, but for what?
GLENNA: Money is money.
HIRO: Well, perhaps--
GLENNA: So what do you say? To just appearances. God knows we need the money.
HIRO: Well, OK. But appearances only. No sex!
GLENNA: OK. No sex! What should we call you?
HIRO: Neck Brace Man. What else?
GLENNA: Too long. How about just "Brace Man"?
HIRO: Short. Happy. I like it!
GLENNA: That's it, then. [Turns phone on. It rings immediately. She answers.] Hello, Brace Man's agent. Yes. Well, what are you willing to pay? OK. We'll get back to you--I've got your number. [hangs up]
HIRO: How much? [Phone rings. She answers]
GLENNA: Just a minute. [Into phone.] Brace Man's agent. To do what? Where? How much are you willing to pay? OK. I'll call back to confirm. [Hangs up; turns phone off] They'll pay 500,000 if you'll do a guest appearance at their convention. It's a group called the Rogue Chiropractors of North America.
HIRO: Sweet! Set dates! And call all the others back--we need to set up a schedule!
GLENNA: There's just one more thing . . . .
VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: We'll begin boarding for Japan Air flight 1 direct to Tokyo Narita Airport in a moment. This flight is fully booked. If there are any passengers willing to give up their seats, JA will provide you with a cash bonus and a gift certificate for two free flights anywhere on our system. Please see the agent at the podium if you want to give up your seat.
HIRO: Great! Grab the offer, S. We need to rethink whether or nor we travel to see the doctor in Japan or not. It might be more valuable to keep the brace on--
GLENNA: You got it. [stands up, moves to the right] Oh miss--
[as soon as GLENNA exits, HIRO looks around furtively, then removes brace]
HIRO: I thought she'd never give me a break! Oops--here she comes! [puts brace back on]
GLENNA: [reentering] All set. Now we have to rebook back home. After we've done that, I'll get to the business lounge and start booking us. Brace Man is in business!
END OF PLAY